Four Types Of Drunks

These may not be all of them, but you may have met one or two. Alcohol works as either a stimulant or depressant, so its effects on the person will be different.

The Horny Drunk

This guy suddenly becomes Woody Harrelson (yaani ye humbao) and wants to stick his dick everywhere or, if a woman, she aggressively wants to be beaten trees.

Alcohol reduces or removes the normal inhibitions we have because we do not want to look bad in front of other people but in that one moment when you are "lit", nothing matters. As a man, remember this song "Kweli Jana Kuliendaje?" by Mejja and know it is easy to mess up when drunk. For women, it is easy to get into a situation you may not want such as an STI or a pregnancy or having sex with someone you did not ever want to. In general, however, the risk is on the man because if you have sex with a horny drunk woman, she can later claim rape on you, then you get caught and put inside and become someone's wife inside there, to be opened boot in Kamiti or Naivasha, or they make you sing in Singsing.

The Violent Drunk

A.k.a kisirani. This one seems to become Van Damme when drunk, spoiling for a fight with everyone they meet. Bouncers' fists can tell you about the faces they have met along the course of their nightly jobs.

If you are this type of drunk, please do not go to the club alone. Better yet, do not go at all. People might die because of you.

The Happy Drunk

This one is the life of the party.

The Sad Drunk

Have you ever seen those men who drink alone at the countertop, looking stressed or trying not to get home? Life is hard bana, give them some space. Or maybe not, some people need people to talk to, just be sure to ask. If a woman, they may become a well of tears and may also become a radio at this point.

Also if you need a social circle, a beehive may not be the best option.

The Radio

This one suddenly becomes talkative. They can talk your ears off if you let them. If they want something from you, they can easily manage to make you enter the box.

The "Genius"

The dirty village drunkard you see daily sleeping in the ditch, smelling like some shit and looking like a pit starts speaking English like a true Brit. English is not a signifier of intelligence by any measure, but when this guy takes a sip, his brain cells suddenly start to work and he spews knowledge like a book. He can also give you his life history and how he got there, and some plausible reasons for his situation. He might even ask you for money while also telling you he will stop drinking immediately. "Nawacha pombe bro." Naah.

Another scenario is one where professionals seem to perform at their best when drunk. I think this is due to the alcohol killing "weak" brain cells, leaving "strong" ones or maybe those with robust inter-neuron connections. Those guys whose cars "know the way home" may fall here, but their graves can tell you otherwise. This also includes machine operators.


Have you seen more than four types of drunks? Me too.